Breakups suck. It feels like your heart has literally been ripped out of your chest.
Everything around you seems to remind you of him, which makes your chest clench and stomach turn upside down.
You see other couples and stare at them in disgust.
You just want to keep texting him, going off at him about how much he hurt you and how freakin’ upset you are about the breakup.
You feel angry, guilty, sad, frustrated, and all the above – and you are just so exhausted and tired of feeling those emotions.
The fact is, if you truly had a serious connection with this person, then you will feel like you literally lost your other half. And that hurts like a bitch.
When we are in a relationship with someone we really love and care about, we tend to give our all to it.
You find yourself getting comfortable with always having someone to talk to, to hang out with, to do random stuff with. And then when you lose that, it turns into “like what the fuck am I supposed to do now?”
Breakups also come with a roller coaster of emotions, like Kingda Ka or The Intimidator type roller coaster (look those up if you don’t know what they look like – INSANE).
You will feel all sorts of guilty about the relationship, obsessing over what you could have done differently.
You will doubt your own self-worth and feel like maybe you just weren’t good enough for that person. All of the feelings that you have make you feel like absolute crap and tear down your own self-esteem.
But the thing is… just like how Selena Gomez says in her new, 2019 song “Lose You To Love Me,” break ups teach you how to love yourself. Yes, at first, you hate yourself and feel shitty, but as time goes on and you start to heal from it, you learn so much about yourself and become comfortable in being YOU.
I still remember going through one of the most heart wrenching breakups I have ever had. The healing and grieving process took forever. I loved this man with all my heart and he truly was my other half, so the pain and hurt I felt during really did feel unbearable. But you know what happened? I got through it. I healed. And I came out even stronger.
I heard this song the other day: Selena Gomez: “Lose You To Love Me.” I listened to this song on repeat, resonating with every single word in and remembering how I felt during my healing process.
The song talks about how the silver lining for any breakup is that you learn to love yourself again. You need to lose someone in order to find out how to love yourself.
Let’s look at some of my favorite and most powerful lyrics in this song and how they relate to the healing process after a break up.
“I put you first and you adored it”
We all do this in a relationship that we are super invested in – I know I definitely did.
You find yourself always making time for him, even dropping whatever you are doing to talk to him or hang out with him.
You give him your undivided attention.
You love deeply and show it, always caring, always helping him – like if he asks for anything at all you are guaranteed to help him.
You want what is best for him and will do anything for him.
You just CARE.
This is simply part of having a relationship – loving and supporting each other. But way too often, we are so focused on loving and supporting the other person that we completely forget to love and support ourselves. We also end up relying a little too much on the other person to love and support us.
But the fact is that at the very end of the day, the one and only person that truly has your back is YOU. After a break up, you lose that love and support you were getting from the other person. That’s why after a break up, you begin to learn how to love and support yourself again. You need to put yourself first.
“Rose colored glasses are distorted”
If the relationship ended in a breakup, that honestly means that something wasn’t right in the relationship.
You weren’t happy. He wasn’t happy. Something was causing tension and stress.
But after a breakup, our mind likes to replay all of the good memories on repeat. We start to tell ourselves that we lost one of the best things in our lives. We feel as if we really messed up. Life was so good with him, and you fucked it up and lost it. Or so it seems…
We fall into seeing the relationship with “rose colored glasses,” which means that we are not seeing things clearly and instead seeing it with a pretty, rosy, happy tint. It is a distorted perception of what the relationship WAS, not IS.
But it is important to remember that if the relationship ended, then that means something truly wasn’t right in it. It was not all roses and rainbows. Staying in the relationship wasn’t doing either of you any good.
It is hard AF to accept that but essential to your healing and finding your happiness again.
“In two months you replaced us, like it was easy”
Not too long after the breakup, I learned that the man I loved so much and had such a strong connection with was already talking to other women. And this made my blood boil and my heart beat out of my chest in flames. I was furious that he was so quick to just replace me like that, as if it was absolutely effortless and painless. I felt like everything we have been through together meant absolutely nothing to him anymore. And I know that this crazy wave of emotions is something that many women experience after a break up.
Often times, it is a rebound relationship and coping mechanism for guys after a break up. But our mind doesn’t want to see it that way, and instead we see it as “OMG he’s going to marry this chick.” And maybe it will turn into a serious relationship. Or maybe not.
But it doesn’t matter.
People deal with breakups differently, and the only thing that matters now is how YOU are dealing with it.
Get yourself into a bubble where anything outside your bubble (aka anything that he is doing) just bounces off and does not touch you. Inside your bubble, you are working on yourself and your healing. Stay in your bubble.
Stop cyberstalking him and her (I know you’re doing that!). It is hard not to wonder what they’re up to and it’s only natural to. But whenever your mind started to wander in that direction, find healthy ways to distract yourself.
Stop continuously going off at him about how much he’s hurting you, because it isn’t doing you any good. Write an unsent letter if you have to.
But it’s okay, whenever you start thinking about it, just distract yourself and bring the focus back on you.
The following line after this lyric says, “made me think I deserved it,” which is also what many of us feel after a break up.
But let me say this to you, bold and clear: What he does after the breakup is not a reflection of who you are as a person. You did not deserve to be heartbroken and hurt. You did not deserve to feel replaced.
But you do deserve to heal and find a way to love yourself again.
“I needed to lose you to love me”
This is the entire message of the song. This is what you will feel as your healing progresses. You will begin to love yourself again, I promise. But the process of getting there is hard work.
Sometimes, you forget how to love yourself when you are with another person, simply because you are giving so much love to them. And that is okay.
That just means you are a loving person, a great girlfriend, and the love you feel for others is pure and genuine. But the person you should always love the most is yourself.
When we are so invested in loving someone else, we actually forget that. Then, when we lose the relationship, we feel like we lost all love in our lives. We feel alone.
But as time progresses, you will begin to see that you are, in fact, completely okay without that person. You learn so much about yourself. You learn about how fucking amazing you are as a person. You learn the skills you need to take care of yourself and put yourself first.
You couldn’t do all of that if you were still in that relationship, especially if it was one that was not good for you and had to result in a breakup.
That is why you NEEDED to lose him. Yes it hurts and sucks. But you needed this. And this breakup might be one of the best things that ever happened to you for your growth as the bad-ass boss lady you were meant to be.
It takes a lot of time to work through the breakup to be able to see this. And that’s fine – take your time.
Process your feelings.
Reflect on yourself.
Start doing stuff that makes you happy.
With time, you will begin to love yourself again.
“Now the chapter is closed and done”
There are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
These stages are not linear and you will jump from one to another. But the final stage of it is acceptance.
However, let yourself feel all of these stages.
Let yourself grieve and do not force acceptance.
A lot of people look for closure, and think that having closure is the only way they can reach acceptance. They want to hear from their ex, have a conversation about what went wrong, or get an apology.
I gotta break it to you though – none of these things will truly give you closure. He does not have the power to give you closure.
You need to find closure within yourself.
You need to give closure TO YOURSELF.
If you are constantly looking for him to do that, you are not letting yourself heal.
After the breakup, all I wanted was an apology. I wanted him to take accountability for his part in why we messed up. I wanted him to make all this pain and hurt go away.
But he can’t.
After a breakup, you have to work on on giving yourself that closure, and continue to do so whether or not you get it from him.
Sometimes they do come back and give you the “closure,” but most of the time you will have to stop waiting on them and do it for yourself.
Breakups suck at first. But the shittiest experiences in life are the ones that change you the most.
You will start to see how this once painful experience became one of the most life-changing events in your life.
You will see your own growth from the person you were before the relationship, in the relationship, to the person you are today.
You will learn to love yourself again and be able to take that into your NEXT relationship, where you can love and support yourself at the same time and loving and supporting your man.